babies were throwing up all over the place
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
