so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
