He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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