He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize