You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
