Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
