just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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