this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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