She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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