Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
mondays should just be called national damage control day
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
