I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
