my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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