After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize