last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
