I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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