I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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