i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
