he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
