It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is it penis luge time yet?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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