i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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