I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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