i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
