Just fell off a train. Bad.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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