i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
