Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
