My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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