i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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