does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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