There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
