My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
