This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
