She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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