I cannot find my penis.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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