Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
