My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
