If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
