there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
