I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
