You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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