I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
