Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
