we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
