Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
