he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
