In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
