I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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