My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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