This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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