matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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