Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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