the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
