Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
