just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
