I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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