Can Purell be used as lube?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
