i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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